Bonjour mes amis!

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I have updated with lots of new photos and tales of adventures. Please feel free to come by, check it out and stay a while.

2012 in review

2012 was a big year with big adventures. I learned a new language. I started running. I got my first apartment. I turned 21.

A year ago today, I began living in France. In my six months I was there I ate new food and mastered the art of the French walk. I met best friends. We went on trips. We ate pain au chocolate and sat on blankets under trees. We listened to a poet in Morocco and watched the sun rise in the Sahara Desert.  I visited Ireland, France, Italy, Morocco and places in-between.

I saw the Atlantic ocean for the first time standing on the Cliffs of Moher. I ran around Italy during Spring Break. I saw Julia Child's house in Marseilles and walked down the street where she lived in Paris. I ate Beignets until I couldn't breath, with no regret. I found comfort in tea and emails. I cried watching "You've Got Mail" on a long train ride. I got tired. I fell in love with the old buildings and a local wine bar. I wanted to stay forever.

I embarrassed myself often and felt humbled by my surroundings. I relished being an adventurer. I became independent. I sat in solidarity and thought about my future. I fell in every country I visited, and even giving myself a black-eye, further proving the fact that I am completely lacking coordination.

I watched my little brother graduate high school, turn 18, and enlist in the United States Army. I felt scared and upset and proud.

I worked a summer for my parents. Some girls just shouldn't work construction.

I rented a small house with a new friend. I paid my first utility bill. I filled jars with flowers and rooms with candles. I started my junior year of college and declared a double major in Political Studies and French.

I struggled with depression in the fall. I reached a dark place and when I found myself laying on the floor, numb, I sought help. I am doing something I never though I would. I am seeing a therapist. Her name is Ashley, and she is helping me pick up my pieces and put myself together again.

I began jogging. I jog a lot. I started Yoga. Something I never thought I would be into. I went to a jazz club where I got blisters and ruined a new dress. I had dinner parties with friends. I danced New Years' Eve away with my best friends.

I felt happy and confused and lost and excited. When my heart hurt I ran away to the beach with my mom. I came home and felt peace. I have decided that my dreams are too important to ignore, so I will spend the rest of my life running after them. My dreams include travel, education, adventure.

I baked. I wrote. I napped.

This year taught me a lot. How to love myself and how to actually live. I accomplished so much. I did things that I know I will never forget. I thought hard about what I want to do and how I am going to accomplish it. I am both sad and excited to see this year go. 

Stay safe East Coast.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those on the East Coast this evening as Hurricane Sandy hits the US. 

I hope you weather the storm and stay dry.

God bless you all.

Being Social. Eating noodles.

Are humans social beings by nature?

That was a question posed to us during a recent lecture in my Political Theory class. We then broke into groups and discussed it amongst ourselves. I can’t remember what author we were reading at the time, perhaps Aristole, but I remember every point we made in the discussion.

We talked about isolation as a form of torture and punishment, joining clubs, even socializing our pets is supposed to make the world better. What is it with the humans need to socialize?

See, being “social” is something that I have been contemplating recently. I have been feeling guilty lately because I feel like I haven’t spent enough time with people. You know actually having a conversation with someone outside the classroom, someone besides my roommate and my best friends in Oregon. I feel disconnected from Seattle. It is sad that I am feeling this way. Sadder yet that I don’t really care. I know eventually something will come along to change that. That I will someday for a connection that makes me feel better.

I have been praying on it, something I haven’t done in a long time. I have prayed that I will figure out what I need to do in life. If there is something more for me out there. Who I need in my life and where I need to be.

Sometimes I am able to recognize that these are daunting questions, that will not likely be answered in the near future, but it still feels good to put them out there and get them off my chest.

Being social is hard when it is cold and all you want to do is crawl into your warm bed and read a book or watch a tv show. (By the way, I finished True Blood recently and let’s just say I am so happy to be done with that shit. Until June…)

I just realized that this entry seems like a whiny piece about being alone. But I am not trying to sound whiny, I am just trying, in a round about way to say that I have finally come to terms with the fact that while being an introvert can be safe it is also necessary to jump into a group of people and get out of your shell. This is harder for me to do than most who have met me would think. Especially here in Seattle, where I can never seem to find "my people."

But I am still looking.

Off to the grocery store so that I don’t have to eat Top Raman for dinner. Again.

Unbalanced and older.

Late last night, long after my roommate had gotten back from a party and the neighborhood had fallen asleep I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, watching the shadows dance. Wondering what this year would bring, how it would be different from all those before it.

Last night I turned 21.

Milestones like this make my life seem unbalanced. Libras like balance. I mean change can be a good thing for those who are unhappy but what about us that were happy and then change came along and fucked it up? I was happy in France. Happier than I have ever been. I actually felt like I was living. Not simply going through the motions. Wake up, walk to class, sit and stare, go to work, type something, go home, watch tv, eat dinner, study, fall asleep.

Rinse, repeat. This mundane existence isn’t living, is it?

So this morning I decided somewhere between taking my first sip of coffee and walking out the door, that this year would be different. I am going to challenge dare myself to find something more. To find the happiness I seek. This is going to be a different birthday.

That being said, Birthdays are weird. Everyone wishes you Happy Birthday, and the older you get the more you realize that you are just getting older. They are wishing you older.

Older.

More things are worrying me now, like bills and classes and jobs and graduation. I am being fully embraced by this thing they call the Real World. I am no longer that young, doe-eyed traveler, who likes to paint and write. I am now responsible for my actions.

Tonight I am going out with people I have gotten to know over the last two years and are proud to call friends. I am excited to order my first Legal drink (in the US at least). I have been thinking this over (or over-thinking which ever you choose), because it is not a small decision. Mohitos, Tequila Sunrises, Cosmos, Mimosas… All the colors of the liquor rainbow are running through my brain.

I am looking forward to a night of casual drinks with friends, nothing serious to talk about, only jokes and stories to share. That is all I want from tonight.

That being said, I do like presents. And the best present I got for my birthday (besides the new boots from my parents) is my best friend telling me that she is going to be coming up this weekend to celebrate with me. This piece of news thrills me more than you could ever know. She hasn’t been to Seattle to visit me before and this will be the perfect opportunity.

We will hit the town like nobody’s business so ladies lock up your brothers, and hide the booze, we are 21.

Resolutions: 21 edition.

I've been thinking alot about beginnings lately. New beginnings. Newly twenty-one and trying to grow up. Even if that means looking hard at my life and the many paths I have to take soon. As soon as I finish with one chapter, another appears and sometimes they are harder to get through than the last, but any good book is like that. Here I am twenty-one and the whole of life is just beginning to open up to me. The future is fresh with possibility.

1/ Smile more
2/ Take more pictures
3/ Stop waisting all my money on Starbucks lattes
4/ Turn this year into my best year at school
5/ Spend every sunny day outside. Explore the City. Live like a Tourist (kinda)
6/ Live on a budget. Save, save, save and make, make, make Money.
7/ Throw away my scale.
8/ Get off the computer an hour before bedtime.
9/ Read one book a month.
10/ Continue running, try to run a race.

Chatting and birthday plans.

 I have been in such turmoil about my birthday. I don’t know what it is but I have never liked my birthdays. I love planning and celebrating others birthdays but when it come to my own I just feel confused. I get so nervous. Especially if there is a chance that my waiter is going to sing to me.

It is weird knowing that you are not going to be around your family for your birthday. Especially when I have been with them for the last 20 years on birthdays. But this year I turn 21. I will be celebrating it in my new place, with my friends. This year I will become an adult.

I am both nervous and excited about turning 21. I know that it is just another birthday, marking the day I get older, but I feel like this birthday is more of a milestone than those before. All these new things will be open to me. And I don’t just mean bars and clubs. I mean that now if feels like I have crossed the line dividing youth and adulthood. What does being an “adult” constitute? Do I know need to stop watching Glee and start a 401k?

But Tuesday should be fun. I am going out to a local bar with a group of friends for some happy hour drinks. And I will be buying my own bottle of French wine to take home. It will be a fun night I think.

Today was a good day of speaking to the new students who are going to Grenoble this year. I am so excited for them. They are about to have a good time, and I wish I were able to join them. But it was nice to relieve some of the special memories with Bradley and see the students sigh in relief.

I need to go and vacuum/do the dishes because Natalie is coming to visit me!! She is coming to go to a concert with our friend but she is going to spend the night and we will watch movies and eat brownies before I leave tomorrow to celebrate my brother’s accomplishment of becoming an Eagle Scout.

Here's to the freakin' weekend! I'll toast to that!